


Fuck the Fourth Wall

by RainbowFirebird (orphan_account)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: And the Consequences Thereof, Crack, Fourth Wall Breach, Joke Fic, No One Take This Seriously Or I'll Cry, Other, glass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-02
Updated: 2013-07-02
Packaged: 2017-12-16 20:35:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/866335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/RainbowFirebird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>America lets a few words slip that he shouldn't have and suddenly the universe decides he needs to be taught a lesson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fuck the Fourth Wall

**Author's Note:**

> Why the everloving fuck I wrote this the way I did is a mystery to me. Inspired by an MSPARP chat between Tumblr user boku-no-dirku and me.
> 
> I was really hesitant to give this the non-con warning but I figured it's better to be safe and feel guilty than to cause any triggers or anything.
> 
> Also warning for broken glass and blood, as well as super OOC characters. This entire fic is pretty much one bad joke.

So this is what I get, I thought. This is what happens when you don't watch yourself.

One minute you're having a completely normal conversation, and the next, here you stand, shards of broken glass in places broken glass should not be.

I suppose I should back up a bit. Explain this scenario. You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you.

See, Mattie and I were just talking about, like, country stuff or whatever and I let something slip I shouldn't have. A slight breach of the fourth wall. Fictional characters like me have to be careful of that. The consequences can be fatal.

Shit. I did it again, didn't I?

Well, anyway, there I was, chatting it up with Mattie and I cracked the fourth wall. He was quick to slap a hand over my mouth and look around nervously, leaning forward to whisper, "Alfred...be careful of the fourth wall."

I removed his hand and, like an idiot, challenged the world to punish me brashly and stupidly. "Fuck the fourth wall!" I crowed. "Fuck it roughly! No lube!"

A look of sheer and utter despair flooded my bro's face before BOOM, the world was gone.

I mean, probably the world was fine and I was just gone but just roll with it dude.

Anyway, everything was gone but me and Texas. I appreciated being able to see, but geez. Could they at least have given me clothes or something?

"AMERICA."

"Oh fuck me..." I muttered. You know, in hindsight I really needed to think through what I said more. A lot of this could have been avoided.

"ALFRED."

"Fine, fine, Mr. or Mrs. Disembodied Somehow Ambiguously Gendered Voice. What's your deal?"

"YOU COULD USE A LESSON IN WATCHING WHAT YOU SAY." It paused. "YOU PROMISED THE FOURTH WALL SEX."

"Feeling the love. Look, broski, is this about the whole 'fuck the fourth wall' thing? 'Cause dude, over in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, it's how we express what a piece of shit something is. Uh. No offense or anything."

"A BIT LATE FOR THAT."

I sighed. "Yeah, figured. So what exactly does this lesson entail?"

"ACT ON YOUR WORDS. FUCK THE FOURTH WALL. ROUGHLY. WITHOUT LUBRICANT, IF I RECALL."

"Dude, I'm not sticking Florida in a glass wall."

"YES YOU ARE."

"Can't make me."

"I CAN KEEP YOU HERE FOR, LIKE, EVER."

I opened my mouth to argue but damn, that voice had a point.

Another discontented sigh escaped me as I ran my fingers across the cool glass of the infamous fourth wall. "All right, but I'm not punching a hole through this glass or anything. And there isn't one to start with, soooooo..."

"FIGURE IT OUT. YOU DID FRACTURE IT RECENTLY, IF I RECALL."

"Hairline fracture," I argued, but sure enough there was a small crack in the glass.

I squeezed my eyes shut, bracing myself as I drove my fist into the wall. Miraculously, it broke though easily.

"Aw hell naw."

The edge of the whole was jagged and sharp, like standard fist-penetrations of glass probably are.

"This is gonna be like sexing a porcupine, yo."

"BETTER GET STARTED BEFORE YOU FREAK YOURSELF OUT."

"Yes, because I could possibly get more freaked out than I am right now."

"DON'T SASS ME, BOY."

"Uh. So. Question. When do I stop?"

"WHENEVER YOU USUALLY WOULD. CONSIDERING YOU ARE KIND OF A DOUCHE I TAKE IT THAT MEANS WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED."

"Well I'm like 99% positive this wall ain't gonna cum so I guess I should have figured."

"STOP TALKING AND START FUCKING."

"These things take time, dude. Not everyone gets a hardon lookin' at a glass wall. I dunno about you, but-"

"IF I HAD EYES I WOULD BE ROLLING THEM PRESENTLY. HANDLE THIS SITUATION YOURSELF."

After a bit more useless banter and general stalling, I did what had to be done. I winced at the sharpness and there was probably some blood. I think I cried but don't tell anyone that. England, if you're reading this, you know too much. I now have to kill you.

"AAAAAAAAAAAA" was pretty much the general sound that could be heard. It was a combination of a wail of pain and a broken sob. This wasn't fun. Not even a little.

Oh God I was never going to finish holy shit why me uh think about someone hot like

like

God damnit why don't I know any hot people.

In the end I pretty much settled on this one totally awesome porno I saw this one time and pretended bits of glass weren't coming off on me.

"Ahhhnnnnn..."

"ENJOYING YOURSELF?"

"Fuh-fuck off," I panted.

Okay. Back into my head. I was maybe possibly sort of but not quite close. I pressed my palms up against the not-broken glass and tried to pretend it was all like that. Smooth and more importantly not making me bleed.

Thank fuck I'm a nation or I'd be dead frankly.

"Oh God this pain I'm gonna die oh God someone help please."

"ELOQUENT."

"I said fuck off," I snapped. "I'm learning pretty quick to mean what I say."

I then proceeded to make strangled sobbing noises as by some pretty fucked-up miracle I managed to finish. Gasping for air and unable to bear to look at the damage, I demanded to be sent back."

"THAT WAS A PRETTY SHITTY SHOW."

"You're pretty shitty," I muttered.

"I HEARD THAT."

"I know you did. Now send me back."

In the blink of an eye, there I was, next to Mattie again, clothes returned and to my greatest relief, blood no longer flowing. I actually felt no pain but the memory.

"Where did you go?" Mattie asked.

"How long was I gone?"

He checked his watch. "Fifteen minutes or so."

"Fuckin' hell, Mattie, you wouldn't believe me if I told you."


End file.
